Figuring I needed to call UnitedHealthare (UHC) to tell them I was in the ER last Thursday, I called 866-734-7677, the number listed on myuhc.com and on the back of my insurance card. I navigate through the endless phone menus and finally reach a human being. A man tells me I need to contact Care Coordination (CC) at 800-842-3920.

So, I call CC. I navigate through the menus and then I’m disconnected. Yay. Fun.

So, I call CC again. I navigate through the menus again and choose a different option upon where the operator tells me I need to call 866-734-7677. That’s the number I called originally. Hilarious.

So, I call CC yet again. I navigate through the menus yet again and choose yet a different option and then I sit on hold. When the guy picks up, I explain my situation and he tells me I didn’t need to call since I wasn’t admitted to the hospital.

I can’t wait to start getting bills from the hospital and the radiologist and the cardiologist. I’ll post them here so we can all laugh at how eff’ed up they are.

But, as the week progressed, certain things started to become really difficult. Standing and breathing as an example. By Thursday morning, I couldn’t walk 10 steps without gasping for air and getting dizzy to the point I’d fall over. So, I finally caved and Tina took me to the hospital. By the time I got to the ER, my temperature was 103 and my symptoms were shortness of breath, dizziness, heart palpitations, enormous chest pressure, joint pains and coughing up phlegm. Basically, if I wasn’t curled up in a ball in bed, I felt like I was dying.

The ER was full. I was in the waiting room for just over an hour when they called me back. In all, they took a urine sample, about 3 or 4 quadzillion viles of blood, 2 sets of blood cultures, a chest x-ray and then a cat-scan of my chest. At one point, the doctor came in and shoved a Q-Tip that was about as long as pencil up my nose. I got really dizzy when they put my IV in. I think because it was the first time I’d ever had one. Towards the end, the nurse came in and hooked up a bag of Avelox to my IV. Then, the doctor came in and told me I had pneumonia. He prescribed Avelox, told me to take Tylenol to control the fever and (thankfully) sent me home. I was so happy to get the IV taken out.

So, here I am about 30 hours later and I feel much better. I can’t wait to start getting the bills from the hospital and my medical insurance provider. Let the fun begin!